The Uneducated Opinion reviews the Oscars red carpet: the boobs, the beige & the blokes

Back by popular demand, Steven Childs offers up his Uneducated Opinion on all things fashion at the Oscars.

Please let me begin by telling you that although it will soon appear likely, I have no formal fashion training. This is simply a stay at home dad letting his inner bitch out to play and saying the first thing that comes to mind when he looks at an ensemble.

 

Jennifer Lopez, who appears to never age or return my calls, looks as beautiful as ever in Elie Saab. If I were to make only a small criticism it is that it appears she may have gone to Bunnings and had them colour match her skin tone, then spray painted her entire dress that colour. At first glance this makes it appear that she isn’t wearing much at all… or that could be down to the fact that 45 per cent of her breasts are on the outside of the dress.

 

Bradley Cooper wore the same black suit as Chris Evans, who stole his suit idea from Channing Tatum. The same Channing, who appears to have called Josh Hutcherson prior to the red carpet, making sure they were still dressing as twins. Little did Channing know that Josh had at the last minute decided to wear the same suit as Meryl Streep.

 

Oprah dresses like Oprah again in Vera Wang. Looks like she would give a good hug if you were feeling a bit sad… but she IS kind of old hot so it could end in a really uncomfortable kiss. I got all that just from the dress.

 

Keira Knightley was on the receiving end of a really poorly timed practical joke. Valentino told her it was fancy dress this year, so she came as a beige Poison Ivy. Poison Ivy was the dress… the beige comes direct from her personality.

 

John Stamos embarrassed his stellar reputation by forgetting to remove his red handkerchief from his suit jacket. Luckily he made up for it by wearing a tie purchased at an oversized novelty store.

 

Jessica Chastain on first look is stunning, but the more you look at it, the more it starts to look like she is wearing a really fancy sports bra under a really expensive Givenchy dress. A really stellar set of breasts though.

 

Jared Leto needs to win an award just for dressing like a total boss in a lavender suit and his granddad’s lawn bowling shoes. I’m going to have to hide this photo from my wife or she may have me finally sign the divorce papers.

 

Jennifer Hudson could possibly be my favourite for the day, after Jared Leto of course. I can’t decide if it’s the dress itself or the colour of it but it looks perfect. You can barely tell she was ever a man.

 

Emma Stone needs to be arrested for breaking into my grandma’s house and stealing one of her “going out” tops from Millers and having it turned into a dress. Just looks a bit shapeless, like that of a gold hessian sack. I can tell it’s cold because her leg is purple.

 

Nicole Kidman, quite simply looks like an expensive birthday present. I am sure Keith Urban will enjoy unwrapping her later.

 

Solange Knowles just got in from a gnarly surf and wanted to let everyone know about it, deciding not to take off her bright red wetsuit.

 

Lupita Nyong’o, if that even is your real name, looks mindbogglingly stellar in her Calvin Klein. No doubt it is down to the contrast of the pure white dress and her skin-tone. It’s just a shame 49,000 innocent oysters had to die to make that dress.

 

Julianne Moore looks like a jewelery box my kid made out of macaroni and metallic paint.

 

Rosamund Pike scares the shit out of me since Gone Girl so I don’t want to comment either way on her outfit, in lieu of being murdered… or worse having to spend my life with her because I got her pregnant, but then never feeling totally comfortable because I don’t want to die.

 

Naomi Watts has either paid Glenn McGrath to kill and skin a large, endangered and innocent silver snake to wear; OR just had heaps of sex with the tin-man from The Wizard of Oz.

 

Melanie Griffith tried to take the focus off her face but unfortunately it had the opposite effect when she came dressed as a puppet master in a black tracksuit.

 

Scarlett Johansson was so close to being a contender for my best dressed. The emerald green Versace gave us a glorious insight into her perfect figure…it’s just a shame that last night, after her lobster dinner, she forgot to take off her napkin.

the author

Steven Childs

Steven is a part-time musician, part-time blogger and amateur procrastinator. Find out all about his loosely researched opinion at The Uneducated Opinion

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