Stevo says: So you’re a movie loving father-to-be…

By Steven Childs of The Uneducated Opinion.

Let me start by saying this is not a review. How does one review a movie they have only half-watched, twice?

My wife Tina and I have two daughters – a 9-year-old, Juliet, and a 7-month-old, Iggy. I’ve always liked movies; more of a DVD guy than a cinema guy, but that’s purely a laziness thing. I remember being a bachelor and being able to hire six movies on a Friday and have them all returned by Monday morning. All watched in fine detail. Now if there is a movie I really want to watch, I rent it from Foxtel Demand on a Friday night just so I am forced to sit down and watch it sometime in the following 48 hours, or else I have thrown away $5.95.

Late last Saturday afternoon I finally got the chance to watch the last of Christopher Nolan’s Batman trilogy The Dark Knight Rises. I’d heard amazing things so was quite excited.

Juliet was busy playing so I started watching with my wife as she breastfed Iggy. For any first-time fathers: a 9 year old no longer needs breast milk. They should, by this stage, be able to feed themselves. (Unless your wife is attachment parenting; you never know what those women are going to do next. Off topic already.)

So in the first 10 minutes my pause button is already seeing a work out. Iggy has fallen asleep; the wife is off to put her down. Wife is gone for 20 minutes. I can’t wait any longer. I hit play. Within seconds Tina returns and is a) upset the movie is going and b) furious that I am watching it at an audible level. My mistake.

I lower the volume so I can still make out the gunfire but my lip-syncing skills are needed for any dialogue. (You can make it up a little. My dialogue for Catwoman contains nothing but sexual innuendo.)

I get a good hour in before Iggy wakes. I don’t bother pausing this time as Tina returns with baby before I have a chance to consider it.

The next 30 minutes are a write off. You’ve got a lap full of squeaking toys and an incredibly alert baby. The volume is back up, so now you can hear the dialogue, but you’re not watching the screen. (This doesn’t bother me, I f—ing love my kids.)

Soon enough Tina gives up on the movie for good. She is going to feed and bath the kids but I have been given permission to finish it alone. (Take note: the permission is important.) I have no idea what’s been happening. When I finally do start watching again, Batman has swapped his suit for rags and the police are all stuck in the sewers. It’s too late to start it again; at this point, you just have to figure out the back story or at least make something up.

The next 45 minutes are amazing. Kids are busy. Volume is up. Eyes are focused. Leading up to the finale sequence, I am adding this movie to my top 10 all-time favourites, I’m so enthralled.

I shouldn’t have got my hopes up. Iggy falls asleep again. Volume down. Movie ends with some main characters standing around a headstone in black suits and Catwoman saying something about liking it rough…I think. Classic Nolan ending.

That was it in my mind. I had seen enough to know that I loved it, enough to tell Tina about all the amazing action sequences she had missed out on. I must have described it well, as Sunday night came around and Tina requested to watch it from where she left off. I couldn’t load it up fast enough. With Tina watching, we were sure to have the volume up a little higher as to hear at least some, if not all, of the dialogue.

Ten minutes in, my disappointment is just setting in that Catwoman only seems to be half as dirty as I thought. Then Iggy starts to cry…

Rinse and repeat.

the author

Steven Childs

Steven is a part-time musician, part-time blogger and amateur procrastinator. Find out all about his loosely researched opinion at The Uneducated Opinion

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